Anxieties & Depression

I started on a dark path last night.

I had a long night of trying to contain my frustrations with being replaced right in front of me, and saying goodbye to friends that I care very deeply for. And when I got home, I started realizing how I don’t deserve any of them. I’m not worth their time or effort.

So I cancelled my plans for this morning (with people I don’t deserve to call friends), and cried myself to sleep. It was easier than dealing with wanting to go for a walk, but knowing how easy it would be to step into the road when a driver wasn’t paying attention. It’s terrible, but I’m working on being more open with my anxieties and depression.

I know there’s a stigma with depressed people; we’re thought to be dangerous to ourselves and others. Though that can be incredibly true, sometimes we just need time to cry and not do anything. I fear that I won’t ever get time to just do nothing all day (preferably outside, because the sun will help my mood a lot), because I have a job that I struggle to enjoy, I write every day, sometimes about things that I honestly do not give a shit about, and because I feel guilty not doing anything.

I feel like a burden when I talk about this to people, because when people ask “how are you today?” it feels more like a formality than a genuine question. So “fine,” and “ok” are my go-tos. I’m sorry to anyone that decided to read this; my goal was to let my feelings out more than a pity party. But whatever. Fuck it.

My panic attack is staying at a steady point; my tears haven’t fallen much today, maybe I’m dried out. I’m stressed, I feel like I’m never getting anywhere and I’m nothing but a bother to everyone I know. Sorry for whining.


2 thoughts on “Anxieties & Depression

  1. You have my deepest sympathies for you suffering from depression. It’s a horrible thing to go through and I am sure your friends understand why you felt you had to cancel on them.
    Sometimes the best thing to do is take some time out for yourself so that you can recover and renew.
    I know I am just a new face in your internet circle, but if you ever feel up for talking to someone impartial and a bit distant from everything you’ve got going on please don’t hesitate to get in touch – I am easy to find on both WordPress and on Twitter as well.

    • I appreciate your thoughts and kind words. One of the ways my problems manifest is strong worry in relationships, so no matter how understanding those in my closer circles may be, I won’t see them as anything but disappointed in me. It’s a difficult thing to articulate, and that makes it even more frustrating. I do truly appreciate everything you’ve said though.

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