I started on a dark path last night.
I had a long night of trying to contain my frustrations with being replaced right in front of me, and saying goodbye to friends that I care very deeply for. And when I got home, I started realizing how I don’t deserve any of them. I’m not worth their time or effort.
So I cancelled my plans for this morning (with people I don’t deserve to call friends), and cried myself to sleep. It was easier than dealing with wanting to go for a walk, but knowing how easy it would be to step into the road when a driver wasn’t paying attention. It’s terrible, but I’m working on being more open with my anxieties and depression.
I know there’s a stigma with depressed people; we’re thought to be dangerous to ourselves and others. Though that can be incredibly true, sometimes we just need time to cry and not do anything. I fear that I won’t ever get time to just do nothing all day (preferably outside, because the sun will help my mood a lot), because I have a job that I struggle to enjoy, I write every day, sometimes about things that I honestly do not give a shit about, and because I feel guilty not doing anything.
I feel like a burden when I talk about this to people, because when people ask “how are you today?” it feels more like a formality than a genuine question. So “fine,” and “ok” are my go-tos. I’m sorry to anyone that decided to read this; my goal was to let my feelings out more than a pity party. But whatever. Fuck it.
My panic attack is staying at a steady point; my tears haven’t fallen much today, maybe I’m dried out. I’m stressed, I feel like I’m never getting anywhere and I’m nothing but a bother to everyone I know. Sorry for whining.