Fangirls and boys, I don’t know about you, but I struggle with not feeling like a bother to my friends and family. I don’t know why it’s such a constant (other than the anxiety and depression), but its a serious issue.
If you’ve ever suffered from anxiety or depression, I’m sure you’re more than aware of the difficulties that come with it. Some days and weeks are awful, some are okay, and some are incredible. But it’s a cycle, and you know that the bad feelings aren’t gone forever. One of the ways my depression and anxiety rear their heads, is through feeling like a bother. These feelings can come out of nowhere on the daily, or in hard crashing waves during my most down times.
It’s terrible. I push away the people I love and care about because I’m so upset and I feel like all I do is drag them down. I know that I am incredibly lucky to have the friends and family that I have. I have a ridiculously intense support system in friends that don’t just coddle me and tell me that they care, but they put their feet down when it gets really bad. They directly tell me that I’m wrong, and though I appreciate it, it doesn’t change my mind.
Being friends with someone with mood disorders is difficult. My cycle is about every other month I have a terrible week. This past week was far worse than they have been in the past, and I was very scared for my safety and my life, at some points. I cancelled plans and then regretted it because I was struggling to deal with not wanting to bother them, but also not trusting myself to be alone. It was incredibly difficult, not only on me, but on those around me as well. And that’s not a fun feeling to be aware of. I know that I’m difficult, and that makes me believe that everyone is better off without me.
It’s tough to look back on last week. I’m feeling a bit better now; back to my medium of okay and bad days, trying to be outside and be productive inside as well (shout out to the emails that I keep putting off because I’d rather be outside, trying to soak up some happy rays). With the move and next week’s road trip (which is to bring some items down to Maryland for the move) there’s a lot that needs to be done inside. I work inside, too, which makes getting those incredibly helpful beams of sunshine far more difficult.
So I’m taking it a day at a time. I’m working to hit my step goal daily because that gets me outside. I’m trying to run every other day again (I went for about 3 miles today, instead of the 2 I’ve been stuck at). It’s difficult, and I’m sorry.