Being Back

I know that DIY or a comic should be here, but I feel like it’s more important for me tow just free write a bit of what has been going on in my mind through the entirety of my break. I’ve been off twitter and instagram, for the most part, because while I have been suffering from more frequent depressive episodes, the past couple of weeks have been something worse than I’ve dealt with in a very long time.

I have had no appetite for the past couple of days. I have been forcing myself to eat, but everything tastes like cardboard; bland and awful. I have  no will to do anything; I stopped my exercising, I called out of work one day and was sent home early another. I am (still) having trouble forcing myself to function. I am frustrated and scared, because I think negatively to an extreme I haven’t considered in 5 or 6 years.

It’s terrifying. I’m sure part of it is all of the things that have to be done. I have to register my scooter here before I can register it in Maryland (both will cost money). I have to get a Maryland ID and then retest for my permit, and eventually test for a drivers license (which will then mean more money and also finding and paying for insurance). I have to figure out Health Insurance, but that can’t be done until I have a Maryland ID card. I have to find a job, find a bank, and figure out whether or not I will start seeking professional therapeutic help for my anxiety and depression (which has to wait until after I have insurance, which waits until I have ID). I have to start meal planning. I have to figure out where I can exercise so I can continue to lose weight so maybe someday I won’t feel so cruddy about myself.

It’s so much. All of that, plus I’m trying to pack while I still live in NY. I’m trying to take care of what I can before I move, but it’s next to impossible. I’m dreading my “good luck” party on Sunday. I’m nervous about dealing with relatives. I’m scared that I won’t be able to bake and cook in the kitchen in Maryland because of other people using it. I’m nervous that I don’t have baking sheets. There’s so much to freak out about; so many nerves and worries; I don’t have a nice mixer, so frosting will be more difficult to make. Everything will be slower.

There’s a lot. I’m trying to compartmentalize my thgouhts with my bullet journal, but the anxiety and depression got so bad this week that I stopped using it. My will to create is gone, so I have half-finished projects around the house. I have to sew a thing before I leave because a friend is paying me for it, so there’s no option with that. I’m frustrated and scared and overwhelmed, and I honestly don’t know what to do.

If you have any suggestions, or simple ways that you know of de-stressing, I have open ears. I know that the internet is full of information, and I will listen to any advice people have. Thank you.

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One thought on “Being Back

  1. Small steps, with each success, will come more. You are strong, you are capable, you are loved and I believe in you. Always hold on for one more: moment, day or week. There will be bright spots that you can link together like Christmas lights.

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