Being Back

I know that DIY or a comic should be here, but I feel like it’s more important for me tow just free write a bit of what has been going on in my mind through the entirety of my break. I’ve been off twitter and instagram, for the most part, because while I have been suffering from more frequent depressive episodes, the past couple of weeks have been something worse than I’ve dealt with in a very long time.

I have had no appetite for the past couple of days. I have been forcing myself to eat, but everything tastes like cardboard; bland and awful. I have  no will to do anything; I stopped my exercising, I called out of work one day and was sent home early another. I am (still) having trouble forcing myself to function. I am frustrated and scared, because I think negatively to an extreme I haven’t considered in 5 or 6 years.

It’s terrifying. I’m sure part of it is all of the things that have to be done. I have to register my scooter here before I can register it in Maryland (both will cost money). I have to get a Maryland ID and then retest for my permit, and eventually test for a drivers license (which will then mean more money and also finding and paying for insurance). I have to figure out Health Insurance, but that can’t be done until I have a Maryland ID card. I have to find a job, find a bank, and figure out whether or not I will start seeking professional therapeutic help for my anxiety and depression (which has to wait until after I have insurance, which waits until I have ID). I have to start meal planning. I have to figure out where I can exercise so I can continue to lose weight so maybe someday I won’t feel so cruddy about myself.

It’s so much. All of that, plus I’m trying to pack while I still live in NY. I’m trying to take care of what I can before I move, but it’s next to impossible. I’m dreading my “good luck” party on Sunday. I’m nervous about dealing with relatives. I’m scared that I won’t be able to bake and cook in the kitchen in Maryland because of other people using it. I’m nervous that I don’t have baking sheets. There’s so much to freak out about; so many nerves and worries; I don’t have a nice mixer, so frosting will be more difficult to make. Everything will be slower.

There’s a lot. I’m trying to compartmentalize my thgouhts with my bullet journal, but the anxiety and depression got so bad this week that I stopped using it. My will to create is gone, so I have half-finished projects around the house. I have to sew a thing before I leave because a friend is paying me for it, so there’s no option with that. I’m frustrated and scared and overwhelmed, and I honestly don’t know what to do.

If you have any suggestions, or simple ways that you know of de-stressing, I have open ears. I know that the internet is full of information, and I will listen to any advice people have. Thank you.

One thought on “Being Back

  1. Small steps, with each success, will come more. You are strong, you are capable, you are loved and I believe in you. Always hold on for one more: moment, day or week. There will be bright spots that you can link together like Christmas lights.

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