It’s been okay, this week. I’ve lost about four pounds, which is awesome. I’ve kept up on my running and eating better. I’m excited about that. But yesterday my mental health issues slammed into the drivers seat and gave a big “f you” to me.
I felt like things were going ok. We’ve been talking about what we’re going to do with space and everything once our other roommates move out, which should be at the end of this month. That’s an exciting and promising conversation to have; we’ll have a studio where we can work without waking each other (since we have opposite sleep schedules), I’ll be able to get back on top of my strength training, and we’ll have the entire fridge to have our weekly meals planned out. It’s awesome to think about that.
But along with the thought of bringing back strength training, comes the realization that I feel like mush. I’ve lost quite a bit of muscle strength being here, because if I do the exercises in our room, he will wake up, if I try to do them in the living room, I’ll either wake up a roommate (one usually sleeps out there?), and I honestly don’t trust the floor anywhere else in the apartment. The running helps, usually. It seems like early in the day (after a run) I feel pretty damn good. But I come home and I see pin ups on the walls and I know that I’ll never look like that, no matter how hard I work, and that’s difficult to deal with. I am fully aware that these are art; they’re (mostly) fictional characters or imaginings, but I still am bothered by the fact that I won’t look like that unless I remove a rib and devote all of my time to exercising. It makes me incredibly sad.
I don’t know what to do about it. I know that getting a therapist is an option that could help, but I need a Maryland ID to get government health insurance and I won’t get one of those until after we come back from vacation next month because I don’t want it to stop me from boarding our plane.
It’s still so much. I go back and forth feeling like “wow, I’m actually doing okay” to “I can’t do this, I should just move home.” We have to figure out holidays and I have to find another job after this one ends, and I don’t know how we’re going to move my stuff down from New York. I thought I’d be less overwhelmed now.
I’m sorry to be such a downer. I hope everyone is having a great week, and you can all enjoy your weekend.