New York

I visited my family in New York this week, and it was quite wonderful, but also frustrating. My depression has been worsening and it makes finding a place that feels like home seem impossible; I feel like since I’ve moved out, me being back is a hassle to my family, especially since my grandmother is staying there, and tat makes for a pretty full house. But at the same time, I don’t feel very at home in Maryland either. I feel like everyone that has done anything there to help out is doing so because they are friends with Rob, and want him to be happy, not because of me.

I know I’m going to keep struggling with this. One night in NY things were so bad that I did all the things that usually help when I’m down; I only was around positivity (thank you mum), I crafted, and when I was still feeling awful, I went for a run. But nothing helped. I spent a good portion of the day going back and forth between looking at intensive mental health facilities (many of which seem to prefer you have a recommendation from a therapist), and looking into plane tickets / apartments on the other side of the country.

I’m scared, and I’m frustrated. I go back to Maryland today, and I don’t want to face the folks that I know there because I’ve been ignoring them and I feel like I’m not important. I’m scared that the move wasn’t right; not because of the area but because of me. And  I’m scared that I’m broken. I don’t do well when speaking to a therapist, and I don’t like the idea of medication. But it feels like I don’t have any other options.

I don’t know what to do, and I’m nervous. But I’m going back to Maryland and I feel like that’s a big step right now.

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