We’re in the point of the year that’s spent wrapping presents for people we care about and all I can think about is how I won’t see my family on Christmas this year. I was in NY last week to do the holidays and it felt nice, but as we get closer to the actual holiday, I feel cruddy. It’s not about the presents, it’s about feeling cared about. And my family makes me feel that way.
On the plus side, I tried yoga today. I have worked out in some way since Sunday, and I’m proud of myself for that, even though I am only noticing negatives about my body. I need to change my eating habits so I can start seeing positive changes in my body again. I know the holiday season is a difficult time to eat well, but I’ve got to try; my goal is to have healthy meals, and if some junky snacks get in there, at least the meals are good. My diet as of late has been swinging back and forth quite a bit; one day I will eat very well; portions and positive choices, but the next will just be garbage food. That has to stop.
I’m still struggling to feel ok. I keep dwelling on things that happened in the past and the way it still makes me feel, and that makes it difficult to feel good or secure. I don’t feel like this is my home, either, and that’s incredibly difficult.
I have a SAF show tonight, and I almost don’t want to go. I know it’s my last one as intern, so it’s the last required one, but it just feels like I’m wasting their time. It doesn’t feel good. A big part of my struggle is feeling like they aren’t my friends; they’re just friendly with me because of my boyfriend, but under the guise that they like me. I know it’s foolish to think so hard about this, but it’s all that’s going through my head.
As always, thanks for tolerating my sad thoughts. I hope your week has been wonderful, and that you have a great weekend.
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